Why Yelling is Porn for Moms

I have a public service announcement to make.  I don’t have time to make this post particularly witty, engaging or grammatically correct.  I probably won't couch things well. I have about seventeen loads of clean laundry that need to be folded before I go to bed tonight.  But I feel an overwhelming desire to put something out there.

Stop yelling at your kids.

I know, this is easier said than done.  BELIEVE me.  I know.  I am a recovering child of a yelling mother in recovery from being a yelling mother myself.  It’s a cycle, you see.  I could give you all sorts of data about what yelling does to kids.  But you can look that up yourself and chances are you probably already know it’s not ok.  But we justify it, don’t we?

I think most of us do know it’s harmful and we are consumed by guilt after we have done it because we’re good mamas who love our kids and want what's best for them.

But here’s the thing that’s scary to me: In an effort to be encouraging to moms and unburden them from the crushing and ever-present mom-guilt that we all experience, our friends and internet articles are telling us that it’s ok.  “I do it too.  Your kids know you love them.  It’s good for them to see that you are human and you lose your temper.”  There’s a danger in being comforting and encouraging to our mom friends.  We are condoning and helping to perpetuate sin.  

Yes, yelling at our children is sin. It doesn’t cease to be sin just because we are all struggling with it.  It needs to be called out into the open and we moms need to hold each other accountable.

Yelling at our kids is for women what pornography is for men.  See the similarities?

1. It is a ubiquitous sin.  SO many moms struggle with this.
2. It’s a secret sin that is rarely talked about.  
3. It is an addictive sin.  Yelling if left unchecked is habit-forming.  
4. It devastates families.
5. There is hope for healing and restoration and it’s going to take work to get there.

The first step in the battle is to recognize that it is a heinous thing to be doing.  This will be hard for a lot of people who have spent a long time justifying or denying the seriousness of the act of yelling.  (There are plenty of people who don’t see pornography as a sin either.)

As a parent, I am supposed to model for my kids the way to act in society.  When is it ok to yell at other people?  Imagine what would happen if you yelled at a co-worker when you were having an “off” day.  Do you yell at your friends?  You wouldn’t have many.  When is the last time you yelled at your grandmom?  Your dad?  How about your husband?  Is it okay for you to yell at him?  

And how would you feel if he yelled at you??

Most of us wouldn’t dream of yelling at these people in our lives and we would be absolutely crushed or incensed if they yelled at us.  And yet….the children.

They should be the LAST people we think about yelling at.  Here are just 3 reasons off the top of my head.  I’m sure you can think of more.

1. As I already mentioned, we are supposed to be their model for the way to act in society.  There’s no yelling.  (Unless you live in the type of society that dreams of appearing on the Jerry Springer show.  Then maybe there is yelling.)
2. They are still LEARNING, for goodness sake!  We adults have had lots and lots of practice at how to behave and think rightly.  We have the “rules” memorized and we have years of experience by trial and error.  We still get it wrong.  No one is standing over us, yelling.  
3. They are in our charge to care for them, protect them and shepherd them.  Again, just take a moment to picture your husband, your supposed protector and authority standing over you, yelling his displeasure.  Not too many of us would put up with that now would we?

But we do it to kids.  Why?  Because we can.  They are little.  They are defenseless.  It makes us feel good, doesn’t it?  Being a mother is so stressful at times.  Yelling is our release.  We want them to turn out well.  Fear and panic that we’re doing this whole mom-thing wrong can drive us to unload our frustrations on them, machine-gun style.   These were my reasons.  You can think about what yours might be.

Look, I certainly don’t want to deeply discourage anyone reading this.  I don’t want you to go to bed crippled by guilt.  If you have damaged your children by yelling, repent.  There is complete forgiveness and hope for turning from your sin in Jesus.

I want you to know that you don’t need to hide in secret any more.  I don’t want anyone of my friends to deceive themselves about the nature of their sin.  Bring it out into the open.  Let’s talk about it.  I have been there.  I am living every day in recovery from this sin.  And if it will help you, we can meet for coffee and I will tearfully divulge the details of my struggles and my journey toward healing.  Most other moms that I know are struggling with this too.  You are NOT alone.

If you are a yeller and aren’t sure how to stop, the internet is full of articles with various ideas to get you started.  Get some counseling if you need to.  Make a plan with your husband and closest friends about how to take steps to be free of this habit. Ask a friend who has struggled to hold you accountable.  And pray.  Tomorrow, set aside time to pray before your kids wake up to ask God for the grace and strength not to raise your voice.  You may need to set the timer to go off every hour so you remember to set your intention and pray "God, help me not to yell at my kids THIS hour.”  His grace is sufficient.  Moment by moment.  Begin the battle. Break the habit.  Now.

The behavior chart that my kids are keeping for me.
Every morning I get a heart if I didn't raise my voice the day before or an X if I did.
It helps!

February

These days just fly by.  I can't believe February is long gone and we are almost done with March.  (So much for my monthly blogging.)  So often I find myself wishing that I could slow down the passage of time.  I feel an ache knowing that my littles won't stay little long and the thought of never being able to hold two-year-old Lucy again sometimes leaves a lump in my throat.(Usually this reflection comes in the quiet hours of the evening after I've had some time to de-stress). I'm grateful that God in his wisdom has made time as it is since I'm sure I wouldn't be able to endure my wish.  These days are as difficult as they are wonderful.  Relentless.  That's the word for it. Oppressively constant.  It's not easy and, honestly, I break down on a semi-regular basis under the weight of it all. But I am so glad to be in the position to be at home with them all day, every day.

As a child I'm sure I would have given anything to know what "oppressively constant" felt like.  I am very much living my dream in that sense, attempting to give to my kids what was missing most in my childhood.  I'm sure they will need to be in therapy for all sorts of other ways I end up damaging them but dagnabit it won't be because they didn't have enough of their parents.

Even with all the hours that we log together I still feel I can never do our moments justice.  In the immortal words of Aerosmith: "I don't want to miss a thing...."

February's "Feast"...

Eve was baptized on February 15th

Nora is learning to read

and Eve is learning to eat

getting tickled by Daddy while Nora changes her diaper

This is what our days at home look like

they LOVE this baby

befriending a centipede

helping with yard work

We never know what form our play will take during our Monday nights with Mika and Granddad

going to see Cinderella the musical with Grammy and Aunt Alyssa

January

Hello again!  I have this hope of maintaining a monthly blog.  It's all I can manage but I know my dear family and some friends would like a peek into our goings on once in a while and it's a tidy way for me to organize our photos and memories.  I have about an hour out of the whole month to write this thing so I'm not making any promises as far as quality and editing are concerned.  I'll do my best to make it somewhat coherent.  Thanks for stopping by!

Snow Ninja

January has been wonderful.  We snuggled and read, snuggled and read.

Charlotte Mason said that educators should seek to spread a feast of ideas before children.  I've done my best to lay out a feast and then to make the time to sit alongside them and partake. It has been worth the effort.  Here's what we feasted on this month....

Well, Eve, for starters....isn't she just edible?!

And these....

Is it weird to kiss a book you are reading?  Mark says so.  I loved "Little Women" so much I simply had to give it a smooch here and there to express my gratitude for having finally had the pleasure of reading it.  Thanks to my sister-in-law for the wonderful leather bound copy for Christmas.  She also recommended A Picture Perfect Childhood, shown in the photo.  What a gem!  It is a collection of booklists for picture books.  We borrowed a bunch of the suggested titles from the library and were not at all disappointed.

Claire and Lucy really love to dance these days.  I'll try to catch them on video for next month's blog.  It is quite a thing to see.  As is the daily wardrobe choice...

We don't have TV but we had gotten into the habit of watching too many videos around the holidays.  It could be my imagination but I think I could actually see their brain cells deteriorating.  They go limp and spacey while the video is playing and them become flailing, spitting werewolves when I turn it off.  So we quit, cold turkey.  I have taken all of the videos to the attic for an extended stay.  Our quality of living  has dramatically improved.  We have more time in the evenings to do other, old fashioned things - like make shadow puppets on the wall or play board games or read chapter books by candlelight,

The one time we did put a video on it was to watch a production of Prokofiev's ballet: Cinderella.  They were riveted.  I don't think they would have been open to watching if they were not weaned off of the other stuff first.  It's the same thing with music.  Sure, they enjoy listening to kids' music with dinky instrumental accompaniments but when the only thing that is offered is Mommy and Daddy's CD collection of classical music, lovely things happen.  This month they were often found dancing to a CD of Brahms Lieder and the first movement of Beethoven's Waldstein Sonata became the soundtrack to their pretend play of hearing the rain fall on the roof of their ark.  Kids are amazing.  They come up with so many wonderful things.

School is going very well.  I'm done with all of the creative pinteresty ideas.  Just git 'er done.  On school days we spend 10 minutes on phonics drill (using the Ordinary Parents' Guide to Teaching Reading); 10 minutes on Math (using Math-U-See Primer); 10 minutes on Handwriting (using a slate and the Wet-Dry-Try method from Handwriting Without Tears); 10 minutes on group piano lessons; 10 minutes of strengthening exercises for Nora; an hour for reading books and about 30 minutes for the Bible/letter of the week preschool program (using Heart of Dakota's "Little Hands to Heaven") which incorporates a lot of dramatic play that they all love.

Nora is doing great in her lessons.  She's such a darling.  And since the botox injections and casting of her right leg she has been able to sit in a pretzel and straddle by herself for the first time in her whole life!  She is so glad for the added level of independence.  I can't even imagine not being able to easily straighten my legs out.  The things we take for granted that she struggles with.  And yet, I think in a way she is made all the better for it.

I was reading today in Louisa May Alcott's "Little Men" a passage which reminded me of her:

"Dick Brown's affliction was a crooked back, yet he bore his burden so cheerfully that Demi once asked in his queer way, "Do humps make people good-natured?  I'd like one if they do." "

Doing some school lessons at the library

So many choices...

Recipe of the Month: 

Creamy Tomato Chicken Soup

Every Sunday I roast a chicken for dinner since Sundays are my day "off" and it takes almost no effort to throw that on the table along with some baked sweet potatoes and steam-in-a-microwave-bag asparagus.  On Monday I take the rest of the meat off and throw the bones into a crock pot with half a cup apple cider vinegar and whatever onion, carrot and celery scraps I saved from the previous week.  That cooks on low for 12 hours and then I use the stock for a soup base for the week.  We eat soup for lunch on most days - it's cheap and it helps to keep us healthy through the winter months.  This Creamy Tomato Chicken has become one of our favorites.  We are trying to stay free of wheat in our diets so it doesn't have any pasta but we have tried it in the past with some added tortellini and it's tremendous.  Even without that, it makes a nice midday meal.

It helps if you can get a helper dressed in a princess costume

1 Tbsp Coconut or Olive Oil

1 Onion, diced

1 Tbsp garlic, minced

1 Can Coconut Milk

4 Cup Chicken Stock

1- 28oz Can Tomatoes, diced, with juice

2 Tbsp Italian Seasoning

1 Tbsp Basil

1 tsp Sea Salt

Fresh Ground Black Pepper, to taste

1 Package Frozen Spinach

At least 2 Cups Cooked Chicken

Saute onion and minced garlic in a little oil until tender. Add all of the other ingredients except for the cooked chicken and bring to a boil.  Turn heat to low.  Add cooked chicken.  Simmer until spinach is thawed and soup is heated through.  Serve with some grated Parmesan cheese.

And here is a  video of my girl which I found on my tablet.  She likes to amuse herself at quiet time by taking videos of herself.  I thought this was particularly adorable.

Introducing Baby Eve Nienna

We are so blessed to have another baby girl in our family.  Eve Nienna was born at 7:02pm on Thursday, October 9 after a super easy labor and delivery at Valley Birth Place.  She weighed 6lbs 14oz and was 19 inches long.

an hour after birth

She is such a sweet baby and her sisters all love her

On her first walk - 4 days old

1 Week Old

When we name our babies, we have tried to make each name a sort of blessing - an act of dedication from the start.  Our other girls are named in honor of our mothers and each of their full names have the similar meaning of "a light consecrated to God". Eve's full name means "living tear-gift". I'll explain the obscure choice of a middle name first.

Nienna is a fictional character in J.R.R. Tolkien's mythology. When I was terribly sick with first trimester nausea, Mark started reading to me from "The Simarillion".When he read the short passage about Nienna, I was struck by the description of her character:

"She dwells alone. She is acquainted with grief, and mourns for every wound that Arda [Earth] has suffered in the marring of Melkor [Satan]. So great was her sorrow, as the music unfolded, that her song turned to lamentation long before its end, and the sound of mourning was woven into the themes of the World before it began. But she does not weep for herself; and those who hearken to her learn pity, and endurance in hope. Her halls are west of West, upon the borders of the world; and she comes seldom to the city of Valimar where all is glad. She goes rather to the halls of Mandos, which are near to her own; and all those who wait in Mandos cry to her, for she brings strength to the spirit and turns sorrow to wisdom. " - The Simarillion, Chapter 2, "Valaquenta"

I wish for a life filled with joy for each of our girls.  But I know they will face many trials and hardships which will at times probably seem unbearable.  This description of Tolkien's character Nienna hit a nerve with me because I want to equip our daughters to face this life, both its joys and deep hurts, with courage and peace.  I want them to choose to seek out others who are lost and lonely and hurting - to stand in the dark spaces with them and to offer comfort and hope.

A few days after reading the passage about Nienna, I came across an article called "Comforting Eve". As soon as I finished reading it I knew what I wanted our baby's name to be. Here is the bulk of the article:

"Among the women we honor in the Bible, Eve is not considered often enough, either for the weight of her afflictions or for the means by which God comforts her. Eve's story is one of the most broken stories in the Bible. She comes into the world in innocence. Lovely and loveable, she is formed to bless and please the man from whose side she was taken. Yet she is left physically and spiritually unprotected in the garden by her husband, who then blames her for his faults. She experiences the most violent rupture of human history - the fall. Having once basked in the light of innocence, she now withdraws into the darkness of sin, shame, and loneliness. Eve is the beginning of a long line of broken-hearted women.

In the midst of this, God promises a climactic redemption. He promises that she will bear children, and that from her will come a son who will consummately destroy that dreaded, deceptive serpent. This son will obey all that was disobeyed. This son will succeed where Eve's husband failed, and will once and for all remove her earthly garments of shame and replace them with heavenly garments of righteousness. Eve looks forward to a climactic event of rescue, redemption, and reconciliation. She then conceives children in hope. What went through her mind as she bore Cain in her womb and bore hope in her heart?

Eve bears two sons, but neither is the son she was promised. In fact, one will kill the other. What woman could endure this? A failed husband, her own failures, and now in the dawning hours of hope, her older son murders the younger, and thereby prolongs her darkness. The enmity begins - two kingdoms, two cities, and the first visible death. Both in her lifetime, both from her womb. Is it too much to call Eve the mother of the broken-hearted?

What could possible comfort her and reunite her with her younger son? What could reverse the curse upon her family? What could turn these long nights of sadness into an eternal day of gladness? And for Eve's daughters and sons, what can truly comfort us when the dearest things in this life are taken?  When the sufferings of life seem to be more than we can endure? When this world, or our family, or perhaps even our spiritual family hurts us with wounds too deep for words?

It is here that we must admit that trite cliches of good intentions barely comfort us at all. Some wounds are simply too deep for earthly consolation. We must, by faith, join Eve and the choir of the broken-hearted, who often sing their songs of praise through a veil of tears. We must learn, with Eve, to long for the coming Son who is better than Adam and Abel, and to rest in His word of promise. He has come and is yet coming again, and through His Spirit we are assured of our eternal consolation.

But we must remember that even when He came into this world, it offered Him no bed of roses but rather a crown of thorns, and that we bear our crosses united to Him in a bond that cannot be broken. We must learn to find our truest comfort in the same place Christ did - in heaven. ...Wounds heal, but scars remain. Eve saw flowers and rainbows and even had other children, but she would never forget what she lost in this age or what she awaited in the age to come. ... What could truly comfort Eve - and us? ... It is the consummate coming of Christ and His glorious kingdom, and the foretaste of that kingdom that we have now through His Word and Spirit. " " - from "Comforting Eve" by Eric B. Watkins, Tabletalk Magazine "The Millennium" December 2013

We're getting ready for homeschool year one

We have had a wonderful and busy couple of weeks.  Here is an update of our adventures:

We finally set up the awesome aerial yoga hammock that my mom bought us for Christmas...

All three kids can fit into this thing.  I even went out there one day this week and took a nap in it.  It's amazing and we love it.  Thanks, Mom!

We all went in for my ultrasound.  Everything looks good with the baby.  I have to go back in two weeks since they weren't able to get all of the pictures of the spine that they needed.  Baby didn't want to cooperate.  It also didn't reveal it's gender.  We'll see if it chooses to do so at the next appointment.  Lucy and Claire were not disappointed.  They had a great time with the waiting room chairs.

the world is a playground

We got a ton of yard work and other small house projects done.  And this is what happens when I give them paint and walk away, assuming Daddy is supervising....

We went to a homeschool day with a bunch of friends at Valley Forge Historic Park...

 
 

I made a mini family closet next to the washer and dryer...

This little area has changed my life.  All of the girls' clothes are down in the garage right next to the laundry room.  Thanks for the idea Duggars!

We organized "the library"...

See the little colored tabs at the bottom of most of the books?  Now they will stay ordered (ideally) since the kids can put them away and I will know where to go to find the books I need for homeschooling.  Orange for storybooks, green for science, pink for poetry, etc.

the reading nook

Since we are starting Year 1 of our homeschool on May 28, I've been gathering supplies together.  It's like Christmas around here!

Math-U-See Primer

Year1 of the Simply Charlotte Mason curriculum combines:
Bible - Genesis through Deuteronomy
History - Ancient Civilizations
Geography - Africa

Pre Handwriting Materials for Claire & Lucy

Charlotte Mason style reading lessons

Picture Study - Mary Cassatt

Nature Study and Gardening materials

 We went to the Philadelphia Zoo....

...but really, we probably should have stayed home and gone to a playground.  

Who cares about zoo animals when you can climb...

  ...at least the petting zoo was fairly interesting to them...

 We went to a Memorial Day parade, a BBQ with friends and dinner with Mika and Granddad to celebrate the holiday:

We start school tomorrow.  I'll let you know how it goes.  <Deep breaths>