I don't even know what to call this week...

Bleh.  It happened again. 

It's been a relatively long stretch since I've been depressed or whatever.  On Wednesday I woke up with sort of a paralyzing fear of facing my life that day.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  

When I did manage to emerge around 1pm, I did it from the safety of a hoodie.  (Mark was home and took over.)

For the rest of the day I tried to collect myself and be a functioning human being again but all attempts failed...

Yup, just something that happens to me.  I'm trying to be ok with that fact.  It only prolongs the sadness to be angry at myself for feeling that way.  So I ride it out and try to be patient with me.

Occasionally telling myself things like this helps:

(either that or it's really annoying)

Of course that's only helpful for a little while - until the novelty wears off.  

In the past I've been able to climb out of it by working myself into an excited tizzy about some project:

That usually makes me feel better about life for a little while, because at least I'm productive.   And being productive is good, right?!

Nope.

I've been keeping a journal for a few months and I can see that for me, too much productivity easily leads to a crash.  

In the interest of being "real" and transparent, I'm letting you all know about it.  No concerned phone calls needed.  I'm ok.  The girls are fine.  They have a mommy who just sits around and is available for snuggles.  They seem to enjoy it. 

This is just life.  It's all part of the journey.  But it's not my favorite part.

 (Thank you, Allie Brosch for providing the illustrations and humor to this post.)

Dd Dinosaur

Our tree is coming down this week.  At least we can save some of the Christmas balls for our January "mantle" display.

I had plans to do several neat dinosaur activities this week: Archeological Dinosaur Painting, Dino Eggs and Dinosaur Fossils.  We didn't end up doing any of them.  Before the new year began,  I dubbed 2014 "the year of use what you have".  It has served me very well so far.  There has been a lot of money and effort saved by choosing not to buy things and to be creative with what we already have.  I didn't have the necessary materials to do any of the activities above and it turned out just as well.  I've found over the last 4 months of homeschooling that any of these grand thematic ideas I have seem really neat and the girls might be excited about it but the actual learning and retaining that happens is close to nothing.

I'm working toward changing my approach to home learning.  In the new way of doing things, we have a dedicated "school" time from around 9-11am 4 days a week.  During this time I give them some ideas to work with and then I kind of sit back and study them while they work with those ideas.  I am totally present with them during that time, answering their questions, exploring along with them and suggesting ways to deepen their thinking.  (It'sort of like watching an episode of Mister Rogers - I've learned so much from that man in my adult years! It's my goal to be in a constant state of "Rogerdom".  More on that another day.)  Anyway, it seems to be working really well.  I try to lead them toward some sort of reading, writing and math work each day.

Here are some pictures from our week:

We began the week by talking about our words to remember: "Big and small, God made them all" with a brief introduction to dinosaurs.  We read the book "What Really Happened to the Dinosaurs" which gives information from a Creationist perspective.  They enjoyed that book tremendously.

I sat at the table with them and started drawing some dinosaurs.  The girls didn't want to do that.  Fine. Nora wanted to work on making a crown to wear.  Claire covered her paper with pretty blue and purple scribbles.  Then she wanted me to draw a dinosaur for her.  I had an idea to show her how Eric Carle makes his famous artwork.  So I cut out dinosaur pieces and she glued them onto her paper to construct a Plesiosaurus.  It turned out so well!  Then I got out Eric Carle's book "Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You Hear" and we compared artwork.  It was a neat impromptu session.  Claire immediately wanted a crown like Nora's with a lion this time, so we did another piece.

Almost everyday we were able to have our "poet-tea" time.  We all look forward to this after naptime.  I read from a book I found at our library.  They were discarding it so I picked it up for 25 cents.  What a gem!  We made coconut-lemon balls for our tea time treats this week to go along with our wheat-free diet.  They were really very good.

Here is one of our favorite poems from the book:

Ostracoderms were ancient fish

Who had no jaws to chew. 

With open mouths their food was slurped

As water filtered through.

Perhaps that's why ostracoderms

Kept such a pleasant mood - 

They never had to hear their moms 

Say, "Henry, chew your food!"

And here is the recipe for those yummy coconut-lemon balls.

Reading

They played with these foam letters and we made up a game to construct the alphabet.  26 is a lot of letters!  C & L lost interest around "M" but Nora kept going until she finished.  Then I helped her to spell out a few words.  She is really starting to understand the whole phonics blending thing. 

Writing

Math

We talked about big and small things and measuring.  We did some measurements with legos.

Nora is 16 legos long.  Claire is 14 legos long.  Lucy is 12 legos long. 

We got to see Poppi twice in one week.  He stopped by for a visit and then we went over there for a family dinner on Saturday.  He graciously participated in a yoga session with Nora as his teacher:

Twists

Plank

Child's Pose

Swinging Tree

Lion's Breath

Cat and Cow

Have a Great Week!

Musical Offering

Yesterday morning at church I was able to give the musical offering - Bach's Liebster, Jesu, mein Verlangen.  I love this piece.  When I first started learning it, I didn't like it very much.  It is a difficult piece with meandering, agitated harmonies and it didn't feel right in my voice.  I was working on it last year to sing in church and I read that Bach wrote this to correspond to the scripture in Luke 2 about Jesus in the Temple. The next day I heard Mark's brother, Nate, preach a podcast sermon from his church in Texas on the same text.  Mary and Joseph had brought Jesus to the temple for Passover and they left him there.  ....Left him there!!  He was fine, of course.  :)  But Nate went into detail in his sermon about out how his parents must have felt as they were searching for him.  That shed great light on the piece for me and instantly I was able to understand and appreciate Bach's text painting.  Bach imagines the soprano to be at the same time Mary and the Soul in general, frantically searching when Jesus' presence is no longer felt.  The end changes to several joyful melismas and a final chord with a raised third as the soul at last finds and rests in Jesus.  I enjoyed singing this on this week in particular as the decorations and excitement of the Christmas season are gone and He is perhaps not so keenly felt as before.

Here is the text:
Liebster Jesus, mein Verlangen,
      Dearest Jesus, my desiring,
Sage mir, wo find ich dich?
      Tell me now where I'll find thee
Soll ich dich so bald verlieren
      Shall I then so quickly lose thee
Und nicht ferner bei mir spuren?
      And no longer by me feel thee?
Ach!  mein Hort, erfreue mich,
      Ah, my shielf, now gladden me,
Lass dich hochst vergnugt umfangen,
      Let my fondest joy embrace thee.

There happened to be a baptism at the same service with a fancy video guy who asked me if it was ok if he put it on youtube.  I won't pick this recording apart.  I'll just post it before I change my mind.  :)

For the Time Being...

There is a bit of an emptiness that follows the Christmas season, is there not? I have been feeling it this week.

I love how W. H. Auden expresses it so well in his poem - For the Time Being: Christmas Oratorio.  He intended to have it set to music by Benjamin Britten, but sadly, it never came to fruition. This is the final excerpt from the work - a narrative followed by the last chorus:

RECITATIVE:

Well, so that is that. Now we must dismantle the tree,
Putting the decorations back into their cardboard boxes --
Some have got broken -- and carrying them up to the attic.
The holly and the mistletoe must be taken down and burnt,
And the children got ready for school. There are enough
Left-overs to do, warmed-up, for the rest of the week --
Not that we have much appetite, having drunk such a lot,
Stayed up so late, attempted -- quite unsuccessfully --
To love all of our relatives, and in general
Grossly overestimated our powers. Once again
As in previous years we have seen the actual Vision and failed
To do more than entertain it as an agreeable
Possibility, once again we have sent Him away,
Begging though to remain His disobedient servant,
The promising child who cannot keep His word for long.
The Christmas Feast is already a fading memory,
And already the mind begins to be vaguely aware
Of an unpleasant whiff of apprehension at the thought
Of Lent and Good Friday which cannot, after all, now
Be very far off. But, for the time being, here we all are,
Back in the moderate Aristotelian city
Of darning and the Eight-Fifteen, where Euclid's geometry
And Newton's mechanics would account for our experience,
And the kitchen table exists because I scrub it.
It seems to have shrunk during the holidays. The streets
Are much narrower than we remembered; we had forgotten
The office was as depressing as this. To those who have seen
The Child, however dimly, however incredulously,
The Time Being is, in a sense, the most trying time of all.
For the innocent children who whispered so excitedly
Outside the locked door where they knew the presents to be
Grew up when it opened. Now, recollecting that moment
We can repress the joy, but the guilt remains conscious;
Remembering the stable where for once in our lives
Everything became a You and nothing was an It.
And craving the sensation but ignoring the cause,
We look round for something, no matter what, to inhibit
Our self-reflection, and the obvious thing for that purpose
Would be some great suffering. So, once we have met the Son,
We are tempted ever after to pray to the Father;
"Lead us into temptation and evil for our sake."
They will come, all right, don't worry; probably in a form
That we do not expect, and certainly with a force
More dreadful than we can imagine. In the meantime
There are bills to be paid, machines to keep in repair,
Irregular verbs to learn, the Time Being to redeem
From insignificance. The happy morning is over,
The night of agony still to come; the time is noon:
When the Spirit must practice his scales of rejoicing
Without even a hostile audience, and the Soul endure
A silence that is neither for nor against her faith
That God's Will will be done, That, in spite of her prayers,
God will cheat no one, not even the world of its triumph.

CHORUS:
He is the Way. Follow Him through the land of Unlikeliness;
You will see rare beasts, and have unique adventures. 

He is the Truth.
Seek Him in the Kingdom of Anxiety;
You will come to a great city that has expected your return for years. 

He is the Life.
Love Him in the World of the Flesh;
And at your marriage all its occasions shall dance for joy.

We've been enjoying one final, quiet week here at home with Mark before he starts back on the 13th to his responsibilities at Chestnut Hill College and we resume our more vigorous schedule.  

My Mom and Doug had to put down their sweet dog, Addie, this weekend.  She was practically still a puppy but she was struck with a rapidly spreading cancer.  My girls adore her, especially Claire.  Lucy's first word was "ball".  Her second word was "Addie".  They have multiple stuffed dogs that they sleep with each night and several of them are named "Addie".  She was a great dog.  We were glad to be able to spend her last full day with her and my Mom.  

I love this.  You'll notice Claire's "Addie" stuffed dog in the picture too.  She will be missed.  :(

 On Saturday Mark performed in a Memorial Concert for Samuel Hsu.  The concert was part of the Calvin J. Mathias Recital Series, organized by our favorite Cuban - Erikson Rojas.  The performance featured some of Dr. Hsu's students - Mark, Erikson, Tom Hong, Sung-ok Kwak and George Bowerman.  It was a lovely evening of remembering an incredible man and his legacy, and taking in the wonderful music being made.   This was one of the more relaxed and informal concerts I've been to.  That, paired with the incredible artistry of the performers made me feel as though I was in a 19th century salon type of gathering. Mark played Chopin's Noctunre in E flat Major. (It was the first piece Dr. Hsu assigned him when he began lessons with him as a 15 year old boy.)  It was exquisite.  I can't even begin to describe the beauty of this particular offering.  There was an incredible intimacy to his playing - a side of Mark that people rarely get to see. I am so glad to have been flung into this world of art. It is a wonderful thing to revel in the glory of God and the beauty of life.

This morning at church I was able to give my own musical offering.

We got our portraits done this week!  (Thanks, Aunt Alyssa, for the great Christmas dresses!)  We always go to portrait innovations.  It's a great deal - for $20 you get a ton of prints of a single pose.  If you want one, I'll be sure to get one to you.  Here is the pose we picked:

Here are some other shots which you an access on your own here if you want:

Christmas through Epiphany

Happy New Year!

We've been busy finishing our celebration of the twelve days of Christmas.  Each day the girls opened one gift containing an activity, movie or craft that they could do together.  I liked the idea of having twelve days of corporate gifts if for no other reason than to teach them how to peacefully share in the opening.  On day one there was screaming and tears and even some hitting.  By the 10th, 11th and 12th days, they proved that they had learned how to sweetly share the task.

On New Year's Day we went out to dinner and to the Shady Brook Farm light show.  The kids all sat up in the front seat and had a wonderful time looking at the lights.  It was a spectacular event.  A keeper for next year's to do list.

We set out a "Good Things Jar" for 2014 with the idea that we will write down special moments throughout the year and read them all on New Year's Eve 2014.

The first good thing I put in there....one of Nora's little man drawings:

And another "good thing" that happened this week....
I was going through my closet to get rid of some things and I put one of the shirts on Claire.  Nora asked to wear one too and their dress-up game quickly turned into a Christmas play.  I am so glad I grabbed the video camera to record their precious production:

On Sunday we hosted an Epiphany Party.  Mark's parents and his sister's family came.  The kids made wiseman beards and crowns.  We had a treasure hunt to find baby Jesus and a dramatic reading (with costumes and props) of Matthew 2:1-12.  I made an ice cream bombe creche for dessert.

Later we burned frankincense and myrrh and did this house blessing ceremony.  We will end our Epiphany celebrations by watching Amahl and the Night Visitors.

What a wonderful year 2013 has been.  Life really does seem to get better with time - not always easier, but fuller and deeper and richer.  I think with each season that goes by I understand more about the man I married and his great worth.  I guess I can say the same about my kids and myself and God.  I found this poem that I want to share with you by John Greenleaf Whittier which I have adopted as my own psalm for the new year.

My Psalm

I mourn no more my vanished years
Beneath a tender rain,
An April rain of smiles and tears,
My heart is young again.

The west-winds blow, and, singing low,
I hear the glad streams run;
The windows of my soul I throw
Wide open to the sun.

No longer forward nor behind
I look in hope or fear;
But, grateful, take the good I find,
The best of now and here.

I plough no more a desert land,
To harvest weed and tare;
The manna dropping from God's hand
Rebukes my painful care.

I break my pilgrim staff, I lay
Aside the toiling oar;
The angel sought so far away
I welcome at my door.

The airs of spring may never play
Among the ripening corn,
Nor freshness of the flowers of May
Blow through the autumn morn.

Yet shall the blue-eyed gentian look
Through fringed lids to heaven,
And the pale aster in the brook
Shall see its image given;--

The woods shall wear their robes of praise,
The south-wind softly sigh,
And sweet, calm days in golden haze
Melt down the amber sky.

Not less shall manly deed and word
Rebuke an age of wrong;
The graven flowers that wreathe the sword
Make not the blade less strong.

But smiting hands shall learn to heal,--
To build as to destroy;
Nor less my heart for others feel
That I the more enjoy.

All as God wills, who wisely heeds
To give or to withhold,
And knoweth more of all my needs
Than all my prayers have told.

Enough that blessings undeserved
Have marked my erring track;
That wheresoe'er my feet have swerved,
His chastening turned me back;

That more and more a Providence
Of love is understood,
Making the springs of time and sense
Sweet with eternal good;--

That death seems but a covered way
Which opens into light,
Wherein no blinded child can stray
Beyond the Father's sight;

That care and trial seem at last,
Through Memory's sunset air,
Like mountain-ranges overpast,
In purple distance fair;

That all the jarring notes of life
Seem blending in a psalm,
And all the angles of its strife
Slow rounding into calm.

And so the shadows fall apart,
And so the west-winds play;
And all the windows of my heart
I open to the day.