Why Yelling is Porn for Moms

I have a public service announcement to make.  I don’t have time to make this post particularly witty, engaging or grammatically correct.  I probably won't couch things well. I have about seventeen loads of clean laundry that need to be folded before I go to bed tonight.  But I feel an overwhelming desire to put something out there.

Stop yelling at your kids.

I know, this is easier said than done.  BELIEVE me.  I know.  I am a recovering child of a yelling mother in recovery from being a yelling mother myself.  It’s a cycle, you see.  I could give you all sorts of data about what yelling does to kids.  But you can look that up yourself and chances are you probably already know it’s not ok.  But we justify it, don’t we?

I think most of us do know it’s harmful and we are consumed by guilt after we have done it because we’re good mamas who love our kids and want what's best for them.

But here’s the thing that’s scary to me: In an effort to be encouraging to moms and unburden them from the crushing and ever-present mom-guilt that we all experience, our friends and internet articles are telling us that it’s ok.  “I do it too.  Your kids know you love them.  It’s good for them to see that you are human and you lose your temper.”  There’s a danger in being comforting and encouraging to our mom friends.  We are condoning and helping to perpetuate sin.  

Yes, yelling at our children is sin. It doesn’t cease to be sin just because we are all struggling with it.  It needs to be called out into the open and we moms need to hold each other accountable.

Yelling at our kids is for women what pornography is for men.  See the similarities?

1. It is a ubiquitous sin.  SO many moms struggle with this.
2. It’s a secret sin that is rarely talked about.  
3. It is an addictive sin.  Yelling if left unchecked is habit-forming.  
4. It devastates families.
5. There is hope for healing and restoration and it’s going to take work to get there.

The first step in the battle is to recognize that it is a heinous thing to be doing.  This will be hard for a lot of people who have spent a long time justifying or denying the seriousness of the act of yelling.  (There are plenty of people who don’t see pornography as a sin either.)

As a parent, I am supposed to model for my kids the way to act in society.  When is it ok to yell at other people?  Imagine what would happen if you yelled at a co-worker when you were having an “off” day.  Do you yell at your friends?  You wouldn’t have many.  When is the last time you yelled at your grandmom?  Your dad?  How about your husband?  Is it okay for you to yell at him?  

And how would you feel if he yelled at you??

Most of us wouldn’t dream of yelling at these people in our lives and we would be absolutely crushed or incensed if they yelled at us.  And yet….the children.

They should be the LAST people we think about yelling at.  Here are just 3 reasons off the top of my head.  I’m sure you can think of more.

1. As I already mentioned, we are supposed to be their model for the way to act in society.  There’s no yelling.  (Unless you live in the type of society that dreams of appearing on the Jerry Springer show.  Then maybe there is yelling.)
2. They are still LEARNING, for goodness sake!  We adults have had lots and lots of practice at how to behave and think rightly.  We have the “rules” memorized and we have years of experience by trial and error.  We still get it wrong.  No one is standing over us, yelling.  
3. They are in our charge to care for them, protect them and shepherd them.  Again, just take a moment to picture your husband, your supposed protector and authority standing over you, yelling his displeasure.  Not too many of us would put up with that now would we?

But we do it to kids.  Why?  Because we can.  They are little.  They are defenseless.  It makes us feel good, doesn’t it?  Being a mother is so stressful at times.  Yelling is our release.  We want them to turn out well.  Fear and panic that we’re doing this whole mom-thing wrong can drive us to unload our frustrations on them, machine-gun style.   These were my reasons.  You can think about what yours might be.

Look, I certainly don’t want to deeply discourage anyone reading this.  I don’t want you to go to bed crippled by guilt.  If you have damaged your children by yelling, repent.  There is complete forgiveness and hope for turning from your sin in Jesus.

I want you to know that you don’t need to hide in secret any more.  I don’t want anyone of my friends to deceive themselves about the nature of their sin.  Bring it out into the open.  Let’s talk about it.  I have been there.  I am living every day in recovery from this sin.  And if it will help you, we can meet for coffee and I will tearfully divulge the details of my struggles and my journey toward healing.  Most other moms that I know are struggling with this too.  You are NOT alone.

If you are a yeller and aren’t sure how to stop, the internet is full of articles with various ideas to get you started.  Get some counseling if you need to.  Make a plan with your husband and closest friends about how to take steps to be free of this habit. Ask a friend who has struggled to hold you accountable.  And pray.  Tomorrow, set aside time to pray before your kids wake up to ask God for the grace and strength not to raise your voice.  You may need to set the timer to go off every hour so you remember to set your intention and pray "God, help me not to yell at my kids THIS hour.”  His grace is sufficient.  Moment by moment.  Begin the battle. Break the habit.  Now.

The behavior chart that my kids are keeping for me.
Every morning I get a heart if I didn't raise my voice the day before or an X if I did.
It helps!